Living With Addiction, My Story

Updated: Mar 25

I thought I would start this blog off a little different from my normal ones. I'll Start by saying my name is Matt and I am an alcoholic. Living with the struggles (We can call them whatever you want. Struggles, Troubles, Demons. They all land us at the same place.) of everyday life is not easy, I know. I've been there, Hell I am there. But there is hope. I'll save the religious topics for another day. I just want to focus on addiction, and how we can help each other.

My Journey

I can't pin point where my alcoholism started, Somewhere in my younger years it started to get ahold of me, but being a teen I just thought I couldn't let the party die. I believed that was just my personality, nothing wrong with it. I have always been outspoken and a little high strung. I figured watching how some other adults act, I would grow out of it as I got a little older. But let's go back to the beginning. As a child, I acted like a child, Imagine that. Every so often me and some other kids would get caught stealing some cigarettes or a few beers, Just doing as kids do, or so I thought. Your mind starts to take shape at a very young age, setting the precedent for your later years, God I wish I would have known that at 5. Growing up in a less than stable (To put it gently) household my mind was exposed to things that a child has no business ever seeing. I think that plays a big part in what you think and do as the years go by. As a teen I was pretty normal I think, I had a regular group of friends, went to high school (sometimes). I lived a life like any other normal kid. Looking back I was not normal at all though. I always had a burning desire to drink. Every time I left the house drinking was on my mind. How was I going to get it? How was I going to get money for it? Where could I drink and not get in trouble? Asking those questions to yourself at 13 or 14 years old is as far from normal as you could get. Having an alcoholic father made it easier, Not on the personal life but definitely the drinking career. Some kids have multiple sets of eyes, normally I only had one, My mom. Teen years were pretty rough, got into fights, did a few things I'm not proud of, but hey chalk it up to being a kid. As adulthood rolled in, it was like being hit with a ton a bricks, I was definitely not ready for it. Having a son at an early age didn't straighten me up like it was supposed to. I would not change anything, but I am an avid believer that kids having kids is not a good idea. I am 31 years old now and just starting to get the hang of being a dad. Just like my childhood, that was not fair. I thank God every day for my mom, his mom, and my sisters. Without them I don't know how it would have turned out. But back to the story. As I got older the intensity of the craving just got worse. Being a broke teen actually made it a safe haven, When adulthood rolled around something was added to the equation that makes it a whole lot easier to get in trouble. A car, and believe me I had to try it out. After having my second DUI by the time I was 18 you thought I would learn. Nope, Turning 21 landed me another one in a whole other state. Turning 21, the fun factor was still in play with my drinking. I mean sure the DUI's and the other bad times weren't any fun, but they pass. And when they did, look out. Back on the bender I went. But somewhere the fun stopped, I don't remember where. The craving and desire to drink, and drink more even though I know i've had way more than enough never stopped though. That Is where the addiction really started to show its face. When there is no party to go to or friends to hang out with, the excuses start. "I'm only gonna drink this one to get rid of this headache" or "I need it to calm down" "ive been doing good, and its Saturday, and what the hell I'm not hurting anyone". When the excuses were overused or they ran out the hiding and lying took its place. When you find yourself hiding in the garage drinking, that should be a red flag. But not for the alcoholic , The alcoholics best friend is justification, If I could justify something to myself, it made it ok in my eyes. Getting into the people I hurt and destroyed parts of their lives would take up more bandwidth than this blog can hold. But looking back I realize something that I didn't see then, I was wrong in every situation. That is not sarcasm, I can not look back to one single argument that I had in my drinking career and see a time that I was right. Maybe arguing with another drunk, but we were both probably wrong so that doesn't prove anything. I was a manipulator, and pretty good at it. I am ashamed of that fact, but it's true. And in order to heal from it, the brutal truth is what is necessary. Everybody's truths are different, but my truth is that i was a piece of shit. If I could go back in time, I wouldn't hesitate to kick my own ass. The way that I talked to people makes me cringe to this day, Most of the time when I used to have memories I would try to forget them. That doesn't work for multiple reasons. Number one you can't erase your brain, I'd be the richest man on the planet if I could figure out how. But the most important reason to me is that history that is forgotten, soon repeats itself. I wish I could say I've had a successful sobriety journey. The truth is I've relapsed more time then I can count, 3 of those times after getting released from rehabs. The point of it is, it's ok to fail. Failure only happens to people that have only tried once. Sobriety is not a contest or some glamorous race to the finish line. It's not even a lifestyle in my eyes, It is a life that you have to choose to live everyday, sometimes by the second. There are people that went before me trying to choose this life and better themselves and they chased it in to insanity or death. There is a book that tells you "We are on a life and death errand". Yours and my sobriety are the most important possession in our lives. Most don't want to hear it, but it is more important than your spouse, kids, or anything else for that matter. Without your sobriety the other things will fade in time. Ive lost people in my life due to choices I feel I didn't even have the power to make, Living with something like that is a hard truth. The journey to a sober life is not a sad one though. Once chosen some things materialize that you thought were gone forever. You are not alone, there are millions of us that are sharing the same shoes. When your journey becomes to hard to walk, Kneel. The me today and the me then are different people. The scariest fact I will ever live with is knowing that guy is only one drink away. Sobriety is not for the weak. It is a way of life that you have to focus on every second of the day. 20 years of sobriety will fit in the same shot glass as 3 days. One Day At A Time.

Make sure to browse around the blog, there are other articles to help you in your journey to sobriety. This was only my story, Lets help you create yours.

My name is Matt and I am powerless over alcohol.

"Without help it is too much for us. But there is one who has all power that one is God and may you find him now."

Thank you again everyone for reading my blog. If you are someone you know is struggling with addiction. Feel free to reach out at the email below. I am the only one with access to it.

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Journaling is great way to get closer to your Higher Power. Below is a Great Sobriety Journal and Daily Planner.

Clever Fox Addiction Recovery Journal – Addiction Treatment Planner, Mindfulness Workbook for Addiction Recovery Planner

Good books on Higher Powers In Sobriety